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Grad im Internet gefunden, finds ganz witzig:
* When Vladimir Putin plays chess, he wins against all opponents. Past, present and future.
* Vladimir Putin doesn’t need money. His pecs are made out of solid gold.
* Once, a country challenged Vladimir Putin’s supremacy at all things. No one remembers that country because everyone who did no longer exists.
* Vladimir Putin fishes with nuclear-tipped flies.
* Vladimir Putin saved a TV film crew from a Siberian Tiger because he was bored.
* Vladimir Putin drinks a cup of Polonium-210 every morning for breakfast and can’t understand why his friends don’t like the taste.
* Vladimir Putin has two daughters. If you ever think of them, you are already dead.
* Russia has never tested a nuclear weapon. It was only Vladimir Putin exercising.
* Vladimir Putin is Russia’s greatest genetic engineering triumph. All of the other genetically engineered supermen reside in a geosynchronous orbit after Vladimir Putin’s front kick delivered them there.
* Vladimir Putin invented a time machine to travel back in time. In other news, Vladimir Putin invented Judo.
* Vladimir Putin invented the internet. He is modest so he let Al Gore claim credit.
* Vladimir Putin can see Alaska from his back yard.
* Sarah Palin wants America ready to attack Russia. Vladimir Putin is ready to wrestle with Sarah Palin in the Lincoln Bedroom.
* The Aral Sea is 10% of its former size because Valimir Putin was thirsty.
* There is no nuclear waste in Russia — only places where Vladimir Putin relieved himself.
* The American television show known as Dexter that is produced by Showtime is loosely based upon a weekend Vladimir Putin spent in Miami on vacation. The main difference is that everyone knew it was Vladimir Putin.
* Vladimir Putin can achieve greater than 100% heat to work conversion efficiency.
* Vladimir Putin never needs an eraser. The dictionary changes for him.
* The Russian stock market drops by 15% every time Vladimir Putin sneezes. It rises by 30% every time he takes his shirt off.
* The only thing that Chuck Norris fears is Vladimir Putin.
* Vlad the Impaler takes on a whole new meaning in the context of Vladimir Putin. Many tens of thousands of women line up outside the Kremlin every day hoping for the chance to be “impaled” by Vladimir Putin. (Thanks to Erika for that one!)
* Russia needs no missile defense system. Vladimir Putin can shoot down all incoming threats with the laser beams that emanate from his eyes.
* Vladimir Putin invented himself. He went back in time using his time machine and genetically engineered his being. (Thanks to Sean for that one!)
* Locks of Vladimir Putin’s hair power all nuclear reactors in Russia.
* The last time Vladimir Putin got sick, the dinosaurs went extinct.
* Vladimir Putin personally designs everything in Russia. If the quality of the design isn’t good, Vladimir Putin finds who is responsible for changing his perfect design. That person and all of their family is never heard from again.
* Vladimir Putin fights cave bears for relaxation.
* Mammoths are frozen in the permafrost of Siberia because Vladimir Putin told them to be frozen there.
* Oil is formed by Vladimir Putin pressing two trees and a dinosaur together.
* Russia has no navy. It doesn’t need one. Vladimir Putin can swim.
* Vladimir Putin was the first man in space. Ever modest, Vladimir Putin asked Yuri to take credit for the triumph.
* Chuck Norris impersonates Vladimir Putin — poorly.
* A baby Siberian Tiger sleeps at Vladimir Putin’s feet to show the loyalty of the animal kingdom to Russia
* VIP stands for Vladimir “the Impressive” Putin. All who get the VIP treatment know how impressive Vladimir Putin is.
* Vladimir Putin bathes in endangered Aral Sea Caviar twice per day. Afterward he returns the eggs to the sturgeon. Vladimir Putin’s baths are contributing to the recovery of the species.
* Vladimir Putin has no enemies. No one is that stupid.
* Vladimir Putin found the last digit of Pi. Stuck to the bottom of his shoe.
* Vladimir Putin needs no codes to launch Russia’s nuclear missile arsenal. He can launch them all with a toy slingshot.
* Once Vladimir Putin visited New York City. The stock market jumped 5000 points over the fear of what Vladimir Putin would do if the market didn’t jump.
* Vladimir Putin enjoys catching a few rays — on the sun-facing side of Mercury.
* There is no intelligent life beyond our solar system because Vladimir Putin found it all disagreeable.
* Vladimir Putin writes, directs, produces, and stars in all childrens television shows in Russia. All Russian children love Vladimir Putin.
* Vladimir Putin can withstand a global financial meltdown.
* Vladimir Putin is not afraid of Google. Once, Vladimir Putin beat Google with his bare hands.
* Vladimir Putin is every Italian gay male celebrity’s dream. All of the straight celebrities will soon be made to follow suit.
* Vladimir Putin’s dog invented the Russian GPS system. Vladimir Putin was too busy hunting Siberian tigers to bother himself with inventing it.
* Vladimir Putin sweats vodka. It is sold under the trade name “Vladimir.” (Thanks to Sean for this one!)
* The trains run on time in Russia because of Vladimir Putin.
* Vladimir Putin bathes in sweet Caspian crude oil.
* Vladimir Putin IS the Russian stock market. The media reports of his recent decline are completely false. No reporter who mentioned the story can be found to refute their claims.
* Once Vladimir Putin was in the KGB. There is no more KGB. There is now only Vladimir Putin.
* Vladimir Putin doesn’t need Viagra. His penis is tipped with a nuclear MIRV. (Thanks to Sean for help on this one!)
* The world economy is based on a game of Monopoly Vladimir Putin once played as a boy.
* Vladimir Putin invented erectile dysfunction drugs for the poor Russian men who are not yet equipped with an ICBM in place of a penis, as he Vladimir Putin is.
* Vladimir Putin: Multi-stage for her pleasure. (Thanks to Sean for this one!)
* Vladimir Putin is the basis for the body image of The Hulk. The green tint and bad hair were added to attempt to obscure the inspiration.
* Vladimir Putin solves diplomatic crises with a single icy stare. If that doesn’t work due to the opposing world leader being blind, he lets his fists do the talking.
* Vladimir Putin has never killed a single person. He has, however, willed several dead.
* Vladimir Putin fishes for whales with the unmatched nuclear weapons he finds in his sock drawer.
* Vladimir Putin invented Russian Democracy.
* On a recent State trip to Thailand, Vladimir Putin’s mere presence caused 10,000 Thai prostitutes to become pregnant. This number includes 3000 male prostitutes. Vladimir Putin is the most fertile man to have walked the planet.
* When Vladimir Putin plays chess, he wins against all opponents. Past, present and future.
* Vladimir Putin doesn’t need money. His pecs are made out of solid gold.
* Once, a country challenged Vladimir Putin’s supremacy at all things. No one remembers that country because everyone who did no longer exists.
* Vladimir Putin fishes with nuclear-tipped flies.
* Vladimir Putin saved a TV film crew from a Siberian Tiger because he was bored.
* Vladimir Putin drinks a cup of Polonium-210 every morning for breakfast and can’t understand why his friends don’t like the taste.
* Vladimir Putin has two daughters. If you ever think of them, you are already dead.
* Russia has never tested a nuclear weapon. It was only Vladimir Putin exercising.
* Vladimir Putin is Russia’s greatest genetic engineering triumph. All of the other genetically engineered supermen reside in a geosynchronous orbit after Vladimir Putin’s front kick delivered them there.
* Vladimir Putin invented a time machine to travel back in time. In other news, Vladimir Putin invented Judo.
* Vladimir Putin invented the internet. He is modest so he let Al Gore claim credit.
* Vladimir Putin can see Alaska from his back yard.
* Sarah Palin wants America ready to attack Russia. Vladimir Putin is ready to wrestle with Sarah Palin in the Lincoln Bedroom.
* The Aral Sea is 10% of its former size because Valimir Putin was thirsty.
* There is no nuclear waste in Russia — only places where Vladimir Putin relieved himself.
* The American television show known as Dexter that is produced by Showtime is loosely based upon a weekend Vladimir Putin spent in Miami on vacation. The main difference is that everyone knew it was Vladimir Putin.
* Vladimir Putin can achieve greater than 100% heat to work conversion efficiency.
* Vladimir Putin never needs an eraser. The dictionary changes for him.
* The Russian stock market drops by 15% every time Vladimir Putin sneezes. It rises by 30% every time he takes his shirt off.
* The only thing that Chuck Norris fears is Vladimir Putin.
* Vlad the Impaler takes on a whole new meaning in the context of Vladimir Putin. Many tens of thousands of women line up outside the Kremlin every day hoping for the chance to be “impaled” by Vladimir Putin. (Thanks to Erika for that one!)
* Russia needs no missile defense system. Vladimir Putin can shoot down all incoming threats with the laser beams that emanate from his eyes.
* Vladimir Putin invented himself. He went back in time using his time machine and genetically engineered his being. (Thanks to Sean for that one!)
* Locks of Vladimir Putin’s hair power all nuclear reactors in Russia.
* The last time Vladimir Putin got sick, the dinosaurs went extinct.
* Vladimir Putin personally designs everything in Russia. If the quality of the design isn’t good, Vladimir Putin finds who is responsible for changing his perfect design. That person and all of their family is never heard from again.
* Vladimir Putin fights cave bears for relaxation.
* Mammoths are frozen in the permafrost of Siberia because Vladimir Putin told them to be frozen there.
* Oil is formed by Vladimir Putin pressing two trees and a dinosaur together.
* Russia has no navy. It doesn’t need one. Vladimir Putin can swim.
* Vladimir Putin was the first man in space. Ever modest, Vladimir Putin asked Yuri to take credit for the triumph.
* Chuck Norris impersonates Vladimir Putin — poorly.
* A baby Siberian Tiger sleeps at Vladimir Putin’s feet to show the loyalty of the animal kingdom to Russia
* VIP stands for Vladimir “the Impressive” Putin. All who get the VIP treatment know how impressive Vladimir Putin is.
* Vladimir Putin bathes in endangered Aral Sea Caviar twice per day. Afterward he returns the eggs to the sturgeon. Vladimir Putin’s baths are contributing to the recovery of the species.
* Vladimir Putin has no enemies. No one is that stupid.
* Vladimir Putin found the last digit of Pi. Stuck to the bottom of his shoe.
* Vladimir Putin needs no codes to launch Russia’s nuclear missile arsenal. He can launch them all with a toy slingshot.
* Once Vladimir Putin visited New York City. The stock market jumped 5000 points over the fear of what Vladimir Putin would do if the market didn’t jump.
* Vladimir Putin enjoys catching a few rays — on the sun-facing side of Mercury.
* There is no intelligent life beyond our solar system because Vladimir Putin found it all disagreeable.
* Vladimir Putin writes, directs, produces, and stars in all childrens television shows in Russia. All Russian children love Vladimir Putin.
* Vladimir Putin can withstand a global financial meltdown.
* Vladimir Putin is not afraid of Google. Once, Vladimir Putin beat Google with his bare hands.
* Vladimir Putin is every Italian gay male celebrity’s dream. All of the straight celebrities will soon be made to follow suit.
* Vladimir Putin’s dog invented the Russian GPS system. Vladimir Putin was too busy hunting Siberian tigers to bother himself with inventing it.
* Vladimir Putin sweats vodka. It is sold under the trade name “Vladimir.” (Thanks to Sean for this one!)
* The trains run on time in Russia because of Vladimir Putin.
* Vladimir Putin bathes in sweet Caspian crude oil.
* Vladimir Putin IS the Russian stock market. The media reports of his recent decline are completely false. No reporter who mentioned the story can be found to refute their claims.
* Once Vladimir Putin was in the KGB. There is no more KGB. There is now only Vladimir Putin.
* Vladimir Putin doesn’t need Viagra. His penis is tipped with a nuclear MIRV. (Thanks to Sean for help on this one!)
* The world economy is based on a game of Monopoly Vladimir Putin once played as a boy.
* Vladimir Putin invented erectile dysfunction drugs for the poor Russian men who are not yet equipped with an ICBM in place of a penis, as he Vladimir Putin is.
* Vladimir Putin: Multi-stage for her pleasure. (Thanks to Sean for this one!)
* Vladimir Putin is the basis for the body image of The Hulk. The green tint and bad hair were added to attempt to obscure the inspiration.
* Vladimir Putin solves diplomatic crises with a single icy stare. If that doesn’t work due to the opposing world leader being blind, he lets his fists do the talking.
* Vladimir Putin has never killed a single person. He has, however, willed several dead.
* Vladimir Putin fishes for whales with the unmatched nuclear weapons he finds in his sock drawer.
* Vladimir Putin invented Russian Democracy.
* On a recent State trip to Thailand, Vladimir Putin’s mere presence caused 10,000 Thai prostitutes to become pregnant. This number includes 3000 male prostitutes. Vladimir Putin is the most fertile man to have walked the planet.
